Want to Play Bandits of Seheron?
by PenguinRegina
Summary: A card game between Varric, Fenris, Hawke and Isabela gets derailed. One shot. Bioware owns all, etc, etc, etc.


**Want to Play Bandits of Seheron? **

_**This is a silly one shot that's been knocking around my head for a bit. These are some of my favorite characters. I just wonder sometimes what the characters get up to during their down time. Don't you?**_

_**You know the drill, Bioware owns all characters and settings, we just get to play with them.**_

"It's been very quite lately. We've barely had to kill anyone at all in weeks" Hawke complained petulantly. She looked at her weak Diamondback hand and at Varric's eternally bemused expression.

"By the Stone Hawke! Why must you bring down misfortune on us like that? I enjoy a little quiet time in which to divest my friends of their coin." Varric shook his head, looking disappointed in her for about a second, before the usual mischievous glint returned to his eyes.

Isabela smiled salaciously across the Hanged Man's common room at a city guard who had been watching her with increasing interest during the evening. She used her cards as a fan to hide part of her face. She hiked her already alarmingly short skirt (tunic? shirt? Did it even qualify as a dress?) and lowered her eyes into her ample bosoms.

Hawke followed the significant looks and sighed. "_This game is over then. Looks like Isabela found her newest victim- I mean paramour." _ Hawke thought to herself, shaking her head.

Fenris sat across from Hawke, ramrod straight, with the best poker face any of them were ever likely to see. He held his cards in front of him, face completely impassive. At Hawke's sigh, his eyes darted over the other players and noted the imminent dissolution of their game of Diamondback due to carnal desires. No great loss. The cards he was holding were crap, but he wasn't about to give an inch, if he could help it.

The guard was starting to walk towards their table and Isabela licked her lips invitingly. "Easy Rivaini, no need to use _all_ your tricks up front." said Varric in an amused tone.

"Oh honey, this is barely the tip of the iceberg when it come to the tricks I know. You should come up and see me sometime. I can show you a thing or two" She countered at Varric without breaking eye contact with the beguiled looking young guard. She ran her fingertips down the plunging neckline of her dress (really? Is that what it is?). The young guard turned a warmer shade of pink. Varric shook his head ruefully "You are a fine specimen, but you know that if I start sleeping with human women, they'll never go back to human men after they get a load of this. I just couldn't have that on my conscience." Fenris chuckled at that.

"Really Isabela, he's hardly out of nappies. You could break him" Hawke countered. Better get attention on something other than this dreadful hand she was holding. If she had to play this, she would be buying Varric ale for a month. Isabela, undaunted by this criticism, continued to seduce the young man from afar.

"Aveline generally prefers her guards in one piece. Be kind to the boy" Fenris chimed in, very elegantly putting his cards on the table. He would also benefit from not playing this round. He already owed Hawke and Varric more money than he had on him.

"You _wish_ you knew how kind I could be Fenris. Not that you haven't had the chance." Isabela purred in his direction. "You _always_ know where to find me." She put her cards on the table and flipped her chair, so she was straddling the chair now. She pushed her already straining décolletage against the chair back and displaying it for everyone to enjoy. The young guard became beet red. Isabela gave him a wink.

Varric could see that his winning streak was getting derailed. "So, what can three people play? Know any games that fit the bill, Broody?" He began gathering the discarded play, noting that he would have still won this round. Hawke and the elf were bad players, but nowhere as bad as Blondie. Maybe he could teach Daisy to-nah, never mind.

"I'm not brooding. I'm thinking" Fenris answered wearily. Why did everyone always insist he was brooding? He was just quiet. "I'm afraid I don't know any card games for just three people. Slaves don't often get the chance to participate in card games." He impassively watched the action between pirate wench and guard unfold before him.

All three stopped what they were doing to watch as Isabela stood from the table and sashayed to the guard who was now as red as Aveline's hair. Isabela draped herself on him and began chatting him up, as if they had been friends forever. The young guard barely knew what to do with himself.

"Ten silver says he's a virgin" Hawke declared to her remaining friends. Fenris shook his head "Please, we can tell that just by looking. The real question is how long will Isabela keep him for tonight?" Varric smiled broadly at this turn of events, taking up the wager "That's the spirit elf! I say he lasts fifteen minutes before our dear pirate has to go fishing for more"

Fenris pursed his lips slightly and gave the excitable couple a piercing look. "Thirty minutes. She might want to try something particularly perverted, seeing he's a virgin." He glanced at his companions and gave them a half smile. His gaze rested on Hawke's just a little longer. Varric missed nothing and watched with delight.

"Alright, one hour I say. I feel she's in a tying up mood tonight and that, my friends, takes time." Hawke declared. All three companions laid their bets on the table and watched the spectacle unfold. By now, Isabela was wearing the lad's helmet and laughing uproariously in his lap. The boy's eyes seemed like they would burst from his skull and he faltered on where exactly to put his hands, there were just so many curves and so much dusky flesh sitting on him right now.

Under the table Fenris foot "accidentally" touched Hawke's. He kept his eyes squarely on Isabela's antics, but did not remove the limb. Hawke glanced at him. He seemed to flare his nostrils slightly but seemed oblivious to her gaze. She blushed slightly, but did not move her leg away from his.

Varric maintained a watch on both couples now. It was quite the show, the subtle (and could the elf be subtle!) and the vulgar (and could the Rivaini be vulgar!). He shook his head thinking "_Really Hawke? You cut people's heads off at the drop of a hat, but the elf touches your leg and you blush like a schoolgirl! He must be doing something right". _By now Isabela had moved on to the acrobatics portion of the evening and was showing the lad just how flexible she was. The boy looked like he would explode.

Three pairs of eyes widened as Isabela pulled off one of her very best tricks. And to think everyone here was still dressed! Varric cleared his throat. Fenris' eyebrows shot upwards and he blinked a few times. Hawke put her hand to her lips, eyes still large as dinner plates. Varric broke the astounded silence "Maybe I was bit hasty in declining her invitation. I had no idea you could do that with longer legs. Dwarfs just aren't built for _that." _ Fenris shot him a smile and shook his head. "Don't do it. It's not worth the genital blight. It does look interesting though, doesn't it" Hawke shot them both a withering look. Fenris' smile widened.

It was then that Isabela took the guards hand and pulled him towards the rat hole she called home in the Hanged Man. The three companions now looked among themselves, somewhat at a loss.

"I feel like I was watching a play and just got dragged out." Hawke pouted. Fenris and Varric both nodded. The whole bar seemed a little let down. They'd all been watching that.

Hawke stood up from the table, feeling more restless than before. "I don't think I want to wait for the result of our wager. I trust you gentlemen and I know you will certainly give me my winnings when they are due. I'm heading home, in the clean world"

Fenris stood as well. Varric grinned at the 'coincidence'. "I'll walk to Hightown with you. I trust Varric with our earnings. Besides, he would have won them at Diamondback anyhow. Cheaters always win, eh dwarf?"

"Hey!" Varric protested "I only cheat if I can get away with it. Besides, with you two, there's no need to cheat. Well, good night. I'll let you know all the details tomorrow. _Sleep _well you two." He chuckled as the pair left, ordering ale for himself.

Outside the air was cool and Hawke paused as Fenris closed the door behind him. He came up behind her and whispered in her ear "I know a game we can play." Hawke felt herself flush but didn't turn to look at him "Oh? What's it called?" His warm breath on her neck was making her dizzy.

"I call it Bandits of Seheron. It's more of a role playing game. There's a bandit lord who kidnaps a beautiful princess" he purred into her ear and his arms snaked around her waist, their armor making a metallic sound as it came in contact, chest plate to back plate. Hawke felt the heat rising in her. "Go on" she said "what about this princess? I take it the bandit lord is terrible to her"

He turned her around slowly, shaking his head "No, he falls madly in love with her. She is so brave and strong that he can't help it." His lips curling into the half smile that drove Hawke mad. He pulled her close for a kiss and the world seemed to spin around her, like it generally did when he kissed her. They broke away after a moment, not wanting to be conspicuous.

Hawke looked puzzled "Did you make this up?" Fenris nodded, taking her hand and started walking to Hightown. "When?" She asked, still puzzled. She knew he'd read a few of Bethany's romance stories that were laying about the mansion, but this didn't quite jive with those books.

"I told you; I'm not brooding" he said in a matter of fact way.

Now she was truly boggled. "So, _all the time_? You're just writing these…these...romance novels in your head?" He kept his gaze straight ahead but she could see some color seeping into his face. "Not _all_ the time. Sometime it's things I should do or tactics I might use in battle." He took a deep breath "I am not brooding."

Hawke laughed out loud. He pulled her closer to him. "Quiet you. You're my prisoner, remember?"

She grinned at him, still amused by this revelation. "Don't harm me bandit lord! My father will ransom me!" she giggled as they headed towards Hightown, hand in hand, bandit and princess.

Twenty minutes later.

"Poor lad, I may have scared him away for good." Isabela cooed as she straddled the seat next to Varric. "Of course if he comes back, he is _mine_! " She chuckled evilly. "Where are the other two?" she asked as she ordered an ale from Nora, the bar maid.

"Gone. Probably to finish what you started." He said with a wink.

"Oh? Oohh!" she exclaimed delightedly. There were few things better than salacious gossip. She deflated a bit. "Too bad I didn't get to finish what _I_ started. I don't think today was the day for amateur hour." She looked expectantly around the room.

Varric cleared his throat. "That trick you did with your leg and the chair…I have to admit I'm curious. I- I don't have any pressing plans tonight." He waggled his eyebrows at her.

Isabela gave a wicked grin. "Well, you know, dwarves just aren't built for that. Legs are too short. I certainly could show you a variation of it. It would be my pleasure." She had to admit, Varric would probably be a marked improvement on what she'd had before. She'd always been fascinated by all that chest hair.

They got up and walked to Varric's chambers where Isabela would show him a trick that would put human women on his menu, and he would likely spoil her for human men, for at least a whole week.


End file.
